Darla

There’s something to be said for slow and steady progress.  But there’s also something to be said for strong, decisive, sweeping action.  When it comes to bad, self-defeating habits, there’s no time like today to quit cold turkey.  For some reason I’ve been more aware lately of the annoying social habits of other people.  Worse than that, I’ve then been noticing many of the same behaviors in myself.  Cutting out these negative habits makes it simpler to foster good relationships by getting to the heart of productive communication.  So why not start today?

1.  Seeking attention by complaining.

I spoke to someone yesterday who all but refused to talk about the positive aspects of their life.  After listening to their troubles, I asked about some of the cool projects they have going on.  Within two sentences, they were back to complaining about trivial things.  We all need to share our troubles with friends or strangers from time to time, but don’t fall into the habit of turning conversations into your own personal dumping ground 100 percent of the time.  It’s an easy way to get attention, but it’s a poor way to keep it.  And it’s a poor way to view your life.

2.  Focusing on your inner monologue instead of the dialogue in front of you.

“Holy crap!  That’s a great idea.  Wow.  What can I say that will sound smart and clever?  I really hope they think I’m intelligent.  I could touch on symbolism or make a reference to post-modernism.  Wait – what did they just ask me?”  Stay focused on the other person’s words and points.  People rarely mind when you say, “Hmm. Let me think about that for a second.”  Quite the opposite, since it shows that you’re taking the conversation seriously.  If you compose your answers while someone else is speaking, you’re really only having half a conversation.  Read Just Listen.

3.  Multi-tasking while you chat.

Even if you are a professional multi-tasker, if you’re talking to someone, talk to them, and that’s it.  Don’t browse online, don’t watch TV, don’t update your to-do list, and please, don’t eat while you’re on the phone.  Whether they say so or not, it really annoys the person you’re talking to.  If you really don’t have the time to talk, be honest and find another time, or cut it short.

4.  Not paying attention to the people you care about most.

Pretending to listen while your mind wanders to your work day, etc.  Do you really think your loved ones can’t tell?  They can.  And even more importantly, they need you to listen sincerely and thoughtfully.  There is no greater gift of love and no greater expression of caring that you can offer the special people in your life, than your undivided time and attention.  You need to remember that ‘love’ is listening, and everyone wants to be heard.  Read The 5 Love Languages.

5.  Constantly fishing for compliments.

“Oh, I look terrible today.” – after someone compliments you.  “I just threw it together at the last minute.” – when you obviously dressed up.  “I’m really not good at things like this.” – when the people you’re with know you are.  Please.  Stop.  It’s not flattering.  Read Changing Behavior.

6.  De-emphasizing compliments with self-effacing remarks.

It’s okay to say “thank you” when you’re complimented.  By making a self-effacing comment, you nearly force the other person to repeat their compliment, which is not a gracious thing to do.  Acknowledging a compliment isn’t snobby – like you’re admitting that you think you’re just grand – it’s a simple courtesy.  Besides, you earned it.  Saying “thank you” not only makes the other person feel good, it’s a healthy reminder that you’re responsible for some really good things in your life.

7.  Cutting people off mid-sentence.

The only time this is okay is when you’re in an intense brainstorming session.  Or you’ve got an urgent situation to attend to.  Or you haven’t seen your best friend in months.  Okay, so this habit is kind of elastic, but you get the gist.  Most of the time, interrupting just means that you’re missing the best parts of the conversation.  Plus, you’re showing your chat partner that you value your own thoughts over theirs.

8.  An unsupportive attitude.

The greatest compliment you can give to someone is to believe in them and let them know you care.  When you see something true, good and beautiful in someone, don’t hesitate to express your appreciation.  When you see something that is not true, good and beautiful in someone, don’t neglect to give them your wholehearted blessings and best wishes, before any further action.

9.  Trying to please everyone.

This one is about keeping your sanity.  No matter how loud their opinions are, others cannot choose who you are.  The question should not be, “Why don’t they like me when I’m being me?”  It should be, “Why am I wasting all my time and energy worrying what they think of me?”  If you are not hurting anyone with your actions, keep moving forward with your life.  Be happy.  Be yourself.  If others don’t like it, let them be.  Life isn’t about pleasing everybody.  (Marc and I discuss this in more detail in the Relationships chapter of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)

Afterthoughts and Questions

Obviously we all slip up sometimes, so don’t berate yourself when you do.  On occasion, I too have been guilty of every single one of these negative social habits.

So with that said, I’d love to hear your thoughts.  Any bad habits you’d like to add to the list?  Any exceptions that matter?  Please continue the conversation by leaving a comment below.

Photo by: J.T. Noriega

“When things go wrong, don’t go with them.”
?Elvis Presley

Giving up doesn’t always mean you’re weak or wrong in any way.  Sometimes it simply means you’re strong enough and smart enough to let go and move forward with your life.

And that’s precisely what we discuss in today’s video blog…

Video Blog Post:

Give Up to Move Forward (video transcript):

1.  First and foremost, give up the excuses you keep reciting to yourself.

Because all the excuses and explanations in the world won’t do you any good.  They won’t add any value to your life or improve the quality of it by even the slightest margin.  To fulfill your calling and get where you wish to go in life requires more than just thinking and talking.  These feats require focused and sustained action.  And the good news is, you’re perfectly capable of taking whatever action is necessary.  You just have to choose to actually do it.

No one else can succeed for you on your behalf.  The life you live is the life you build for yourself.  There are so many possibilities to choose from, and so many opportunities for you to bridge the gap between where you are and where you want to be.  Now is the moment to actually step forward.

Sooner or later, one way or the other, you will come to realize that it’s not what you lose along the way that counts; it’s what you do with what you still have.  When you let go of the past, forgive what needs forgiving, and move forward, you in no way change the past, you change the future.

2.  Once you’re over the excuses, give up the idea that you don’t have what it takes.

You do have exactly what it takes.  Will it be easy?  Absolutely not!  Nobody is going to blindside you and hit you as hard as life will.  Sometimes life will beat you to the ground, and keep you there if you let it.  But it’s not about how hard life can hit you; it’s about how hard you can be hit and continue to move forward.  That’s what true strength is.  And that’s what winning the game of life is all about.  So keep going.

In the end, all the small things make a big difference.  Every step is crucial.  Life isn’t about a single moment of great triumph and attainment.  It’s about the trials and errors that slowly get you there – the blood, the sweat, the tears, and the small, inconsequential things you do on a day-to-day basis.  It all matters in the end – every step, every regret, every decision, and every affliction.

The seemingly useless happenings add up to something.  The minimum wage job you had in high school.  The evenings you spent socializing with coworkers you never see anymore.  The hours you spent writing thoughts on a personal blog that no one reads.  Contemplations about elaborate future plans that never came to be.  All those lonely nights spent reading novels and news columns and comics strips and fashion magazines and questioning your own principles on life and sex and religion and whether or not you’re good enough just the way you are.

All of this has strengthened you.  All of this has led you to every success you’ve ever had.   All of this has made you who you are today.  And all of this proves that you have the strength to deal with the challenges in front of you.  (Read The Road Less Traveled.)

3.  Give up focusing on what’s wrong, and start noticing what’s right.

What you see often depends entirely on what you are looking for.  Do your best and surrender the rest.  When you stay stuck in regret of the life you think you should have had, you end up missing the beauty of what you actual do have.  You will have a hard time ever being happy if you aren’t thankful for the good things in your life right now.

And you do not need ideal circumstances to move forward.  The happiest and most successful people do not live with a certain set of circumstances, but rather with a certain set of attitudes.  Choosing to be positive and grateful for what you have now is going to determine how you’re going to live the rest of your life.  So look for something positive about today.  Even if you have to look a little harder than usual, it still exists.

So don’t wait until everything is just right; it will never be perfect.  There will always be challenges, obstacles and less than perfect conditions.  So what!  Get started now!  With each step you take, you will grow stronger and stronger.  Say it out loud:  “I am determined to live a happy life no matter what my challenges are!  I will turn all my tales of fury into tales of glory!  I will turn all of my tales of woe into tales of WOW!”  And no matter what happens, just do your best and appreciate what you’re learning.  You won’t enjoy your life if you don’t enjoy your challenges.

4.  Give up the tendency to get too caught up in other people’s judgments and opinions.

Honestly, the biggest prison you will likely ever live in is your fear of what other people think.  You cannot let other people tell you who you are or what you want.  You have to decide that for yourself.  When you’re making big decisions, remember, what you think of yourself and your life is more important than what people think of you.  Don’t let others make you feel guilty for living YOUR life.  As long as you’re not hurting anyone else, live it YOUR way.

The key here is to remember that it’s OK to listen to others sometimes, but not at the full expense of your own intuition.  Because throughout your lifetime there will be many times when the world gets real quiet and the only thing left is the beat of your own heart.  So you’d better learn the sound of it, otherwise you’ll never understand what it’s telling you.

The bottom line is that when you spend too much time concentrating on everyone else’s perception of you, or who everyone else wants you to be, you eventually forget who you truly are.  So don’t fear the judgments of others; you know in your heart who you are and what’s true to you.  You don’t have to be someone else to impress people.  Let these people be impressed by who you really are.

Honestly, what does life matter if you lose yourself along the way?  Even your mentors should teach you HOW to think, not WHAT to think.  So if someone – anyone – is belittling your truth, it might be time to turn the other way.  (Marc and I discuss this in detail in the “Relationships” chapter of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)

Your turn…

If you feel like you’re stuck, or struggling to make progress, know that you are not alone.  We are all in this together.  However, there is also a good chance you’re holding on to something that’s holding you back.  Which means you might be able to make things easier on yourself if you give this “something” up.

In fact, whenever Marc and I find ourselves running in place, we make it a point to evaluate our present situation, and then we ask ourselves questions like, “What’s holding us back?” and “Is there something we need to let go of, or give up, before we can move forward again?”

Today we challenge you to do the same.  Please leave a comment below and let us know:  What are you holding on to right now that’s holding you back?

Photo by: eliot

It is ultimately only our own thoughts that help us or hurt us. Once our mindset changes, everything on the outside gradually changes along with it.

“There’s a brilliant, beautiful, priceless piece of art in front of you!  It’s elaborate and detailed – a painstaking labor of love and devotion!  The colors and textures are like no other – they soar and dip, they shine and leap right off the canvas!  And yet you choose to fixate your eyes on the tiny, black housefly that has landed on it.  Why would you do such a thing?”

She cracked a half smile and stared at me in silence.

“Look,” I said, “the point is there’s no way to be 100% sure about anything or anyone in this world.  Life, like art, is intricate and unpredictable.  So you’re left with a choice: either appreciate it and look for the best, or focus on and expect the worst.”

If you expect the worst, you’re never disappointed,” she pointed out.

“Yeah, but who lives like that?” I replied.  “No one.  People die slowly every day like that, without every truly living.”

That’s the gist of a Skype conversation I had this morning with a new course/coaching student (I’m sharing this with her permission).  She literally started the conversation by telling me that expecting negative things to happen is her way of coping with life.  If you can relate in any way at all, it’s time to rethink things.

And make no mistake about it, the battle you are going through isn’t fueled by the words or actions of others; it isn’t fueled by what did or didn’t happen in the past; it’s fueled by your mind that gives negativity importance.

Believing in negative thoughts is the single greatest obstruction to happiness and success.  Your perspective on life comes from the inner emotional cage you’ve been holding yourself captive in.

Here are some clear signs it’s time to change your mindset:

1.  You see nothing but negatives.

If you were determined to get joy out of the present moment, you would learn to focus on the positive.  What it takes is not paying attention to negative thoughts – yours or anyone else’s.  Disregarding negative thoughts isn’t about burying your head in the sand; it’s the focused act of not allowing negativity to fog your vision and dominate your experience of the present.

This moment is never enhanced or helped in any way by negativity, even though we as human beings are programmed to think our negative thoughts, worries and fears serve some beneficial function.  When we deeply examine a negative thought we see that negativity doesn’t serve any benefit.  Focusing on negativity doesn’t make anyone a better person, nor does doing so help us make any bit of progress.  In fact, the truth is quite the opposite.

2.  You are relentlessly resisting the truth.

Watch your self-talk.  See if you can catch yourself consciously or subconsciously complaining about your present life situation, what other people have said or done, your past, your surroundings, or even the weather.  To complain is always non-acceptance of reality.  It invariably carries with it a tremendous amount of negativity and stress.

When you complain, you transform yourself into a victim.  When you proactively take positive action, on the other hand, you are in power.  So if something is truly bothering you, change your situation by taking action, or consciously let it go – leave the situation or accept it.  All else is foolishness.

Remind yourself, again and again if you must, when something cannot be changed you must change your attitude about it.  After you have done what you can do, happiness is allowing yourself to be perfectly OK with ‘what is,’ rather than wishing for and worrying about ‘what is not.’  ‘What is’ is what’s supposed to be, or it would not be.  The rest is just you, arguing with life.  (Read The Power of Now.)

3.  You have a tendency to blame others.

Letting go gives us emotional freedom, and emotional freedom is the only condition for happiness.  If, in your heart, you still cling to anything – anger, resentment, jealously, etc. – you cannot be free.  And doing so doesn’t change the heart of other people – it only changes yours.  Know this.

Put down the sword and stop attacking others in your head.  The strong person is not the best fighter.  Rather, the strong person is the one who controls herself when she is angry, and grows from it.

4.  You are passionately worried about everything.

Worrying does nothing but steal your joy and keep you busy doing nothing.  It’s like using your imagination to create things you don’t want.  You need to stop getting yourself into situations in your head where all your options are potentially bad.

Remember, it’s not what you look at that matters, it’s what you see.  There are always two ways to address your present situation.  Each way is like a brick, which can be used as a stepping-stone, or which can be picked up in a worried frenzy and used to shatter your window of hope and happiness.

The bottom line is that everything on the outside doesn’t need to be perfect or make sense right now.  Stop worrying, focus within, and be mindful.  In your mind you can go anywhere you imagine.  And where your mind consistently goes, the rest of your life will gradually follow.

5.  Your expectations are stressing you out.

Drop the needless expectations.  Appreciate ‘what is’ for a moment.  It doesn’t matter if your glass is half empty or half full.  Just be thankful that you have a glass and that there’s something in it.  Choosing to be positive and having an appreciative attitude influences everything you do.  The magnitude of your happiness and success will be directly proportional to the magnitude of your thoughts and how you choose to think about things.

Nothing ever works out exactly the way you want it to.  Hope for the best, but expect less.  Appreciate reality, don’t fight it.  Don’t let what you expected to happen blind you from the goodness happening all around.  Even if it doesn’t work out at all, it’s still worth it if it made you feel something new, and if it taught you something new.

6.  You secretly want a pain free life.

Pain is a pesky part of being human, but it’s vitally important.  It strengthens the mind, heart and body.  You can’t grow strong, brave, or successful in this world if you’ve only had good things happen to you within the safe boundaries of your own little comfort bubble.  You need real life experiences, and nothing ever becomes real until you experience it firsthand.

Honestly, life is very much like a game of chess.  To win you have to make a move, even when it’s tough and things before didn’t go exactly as planned.  Knowing which move to make comes with insight and knowledge, by learning the unexpected and often painful lessons that are accumulated along the way.

7.  You’re never satisfied with what you have.

Our stress and frustration is far greater when we have more than enough but want even more, than when we have almost nothing and want some.  In other words, as human beings we are less dissatisfied when we lack many things than when we endlessly seem to lack but one continuously changing thing.

Details aside, the key is to want less and appreciate more.

A lot of people get so hung up on what they can’t have that they don’t think for a second about whether they really want it.  Ask yourself: “Are these things truly better than the things I already have?  Or am I just conditioned to be unhappy with what I have?”

In the end, happiness is an attitude of gratitude we act upon daily.  We either make the best of the present or the worst of it.  We either make ourselves miserable or happier and stronger.  The amount of effort is the same.

8.  It’s been awhile since you learned something new.

The best remedy for being sad or feeling stuck is learning something new.  That’s the only thing that never fails – simply making progress and knowing it.

Your body may grow old and frail, you may lie awake some nights listening to your past regrets, you may miss your only love, you may see the world around you overcome by toxic behaviors, or know your respect has been trampled on by unfriendly faces.  There is only one thing for healing that works every time – to learn.  Learn why the world around you zigs and zags and what fuels it.  Learn what excites you and learn more about it.  That’s the only positive effort that a battered mind can never exhaust, never alienate, never be tortured by, never fear or doubt, and never dream of regretting.

Learning is healing.  Just look at all the things there are to learn, and get started.

9.  You catch yourself living in the past.

Nostalgia is a good and necessary state of mind sometimes.  It’s a way for all of us to find lessons in every life experience, and peace in all which we have accomplished, or even failed to accomplish.  At the same time though, if nostalgia precipitates intentions and actions to return to that fabled, rosy-painted past time, particularly in someone who believes her present life to be inadequate, then it’s an empty state of mind, doomed to produce nothing more than frustration and an even greater sense of unhappiness.

Don’t let the past steal your present.  Your past has not defined, deterred, or defeated you.  It has only strengthened who you are today.  Keep this in mind and press onward.  (Angel and I discuss this in more detail in the “Adversity” chapter of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)

Afterthoughts

An effective mindset is one that makes the best use of available resources – your time, energy and efforts – and uses them to create positive change.  It’s not about trying to do everything and be everything; it’s making the very best of what you have while enjoying the process of living.

Your mindset is the underpinning and cornerstone for everything that happens in your life.  It’s a collection of all your beliefs, behaviors, feelings, emotions and attitudes.

As you work to adjust your mindset, here’s what you can expect from striking the right balance:

• A sense of firm faith, certainty and purpose
• Consistent drive, focus and commitment to meaningful pursuits
• Clear insight into present obstacles and opportunities
• A feeling of peace and joy from making progress daily

Your turn…

What state of mind have you been in lately?  What changes would you like to make to your mindset and why?  Leave a comment below and share your thoughts and insights.

Photo by: Gina Vasquez

by Sam of Financial Upside

“Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more difficult.  It takes a touch of genius and a lot of courage to move swiftly in the opposite direction.”  –E.F. Schumacher

A simple life has a different meaning and a different value for every person.  For me, it means getting rid of some of life’s complexities so you can spend more time with people you love and do more of the things you love.  It means getting rid of the clutter, and eliminating all but the essential, so you are left with only that which gives you value.

The Short List

For the cynics who might say that the list of 30 ideas below is too long to be ‘simple,’ there are really only two steps to simplifying:

1. Identify what’s most important to you.
2. Eliminate everything else.

Of course, that advice is not terribly useful unless you can see some examples of how to apply this concept to different areas of your life; so I present to you…

The Long List

There can be no step-by-step guide to simplifying your life, but I’ve compiled an incomplete list of ideas that should help you move in the right direction.  And of course, not every tip will fit your lifestyle, so just choose a few that do and apply them accordingly.

1. Resign from a commitment you’re not passionate about.
2. Stop trying to be perfect.
3. Implement a basic cleaning schedule.
4. Automate your finances by signing up for automatic bill pay and automatic savings deposits through your bank.  (Read I Will Teach You To Be Rich.)
5. Clean out your media collection and keep only the items you love.
6. Clean out your purse or wallet.
7. Put a paper shredder next to your mail spot.
8. Winnow your wardrobe down to pieces that work together.
9. Delete any social networking accounts you don’t actually use.
10. Add your number to the do-not-call list.
11. Create a car maintenance schedule and post it somewhere you’ll see it.
12. Enjoy life’s simple pleasures.
13. Start your day with a healthy meal.
14. Turn your phone off when you need quiet time.
15. Single-task as much as possible.
16. Design a filing system that you can stick to.  Read David Allen’s book Getting Things Done for some practical organizational guidance.
17. Set one good goal, and go achieve it.
18. Record your good “shower” ideas and then implement them. (Don’t we all get our best inspirations in the shower?)
19. Write to a friend with (gasp!) pen and paper.
20. Set limits on your bad habits, and reward yourself when you stick with them.
21. Always be honest with yourself and others.
22. Don’t worry too much about what other people think about you.
23. Stop trying to be a saint and indulge yourself in something fun every once in a while.
24. Pay off your credit card debt.
25. Avoid watching commercials and reading advertisements.
26. Rediscover the pleasure of reading purely for enjoyment.
27. Plan two weeks of delicious meals ahead of time and skip the nightly grocery run.
28. Go to your doctor for a preventative checkup.
29. Learn to ask for help.
30. Make mistakes, learn from them, laugh about them, and move along.

Want more simple ideas you can implement to simplify your life?  I highly recommend reading The Joy of Less.  And of course, check out my blog for advice on simplifying your financial and professional life.